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two nights ago now i posted a picture of me in this bikini on instagram with the hashtag  #effyourbeautystandards. i had an overwhelmingly supportive response. like seriously thank you to all those beautiful beautiful people out there. i also had so many mama’s tell me that this gave them courage to put their bikini back on.. & few others say they never thought they would have the confidence to do this.

it broke my heart.

i am not looking for people to tell me i am beautiful. i am looking for acceptance. if an overweight man were to go to the beach shirtless in swim shorts this is socially acceptable. for me, a plus size woman with a few stretch marks from pregancy to go to the beach in a high-waisted bikini i am subject to ridicule & stares.

i have always always been a curvy person. some times i was much smaller than other times. but always no matter how “skinny” i was.. still curves. i enjoy them. it is part of me. & have never had much of a self confidence issue until after giving birth to my daughter.

i had never had stretch marks. yes, i had curves but i always had a flat tummy. i assumed after popping that baby out it would be all flat & normal again.. but it didn’t. & after 16 months i have lost most of the baby weight (a few stray pounds linger on…) but my body is still different. i have stayed away from cameras & covered up. it breaks my heart knowing that there are so few pictures of me & my perfect newborn clementine because i would not let anyone take them.

so i am done with that. i may not be where i want to be but i can’t hide forever. when i am done having children & life slows down i will be the perfect curvy goddess i once was.

for now, this is me. perfect for who i am now.

at one time in human history with my wide hips & large breasts i would have been a sign of beauty & fertility. now i am lazy & less than attractive. i was born in the wrong era i guess.

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side note: i have several questions about where this bathing suit is from. i bought it at modcloth almost 3 years ago.. they no longer carry this particular suit but they have several similar styles.